July 23rd. It marks 18 months since Mikail passed away. A year and a half without him. It seems like forever ago one moment and a minute ago the next.

Sometimes, at night, when Olivia misses him so deeply, she says “Heaven is too long away. Why does God still need us here, again?” Such truth in her innocent 4 year old thinking. Heaven IS too long away.

Yesterday I was sitting on a bench at the store, waiting for Olivia and Jason to pick me, going through old photos on my phone. Tears were brimming and I was missing Mikail so very much. How I wished he was sitting on that bench beside me watching people go by, maybe playing I Spy With my Little eye, or just chatting about things that 6 year olds chat about. Wow, he’d be six by now. Going into grade one…my favourite grade to teach. Such an amazing age. The thoughts just kept coming, but then, just as quickly they changed into thoughts of the coming week. A week we’ve been waiting for a very long time. Jason is on holidays. We get a whole week as a family. Just us. No guests. No previous engagements. No obligations. No big trip. Just time for our little family. I don’t think this has happened since September of 2014.

What I love about the thought pattern I had at the store, while I was waiting, is that I could have my tear-filled moment, missing Mikail and just as quickly jump to dreaming about future fun. 18 months ago I would have thought that would be impossible. It felt as though the shock and depth of grief would be that intense forever. My thought pattern at the store showed me that we are okay. Yes, it’s hard. Really hard sometimes, but the getting stuck in grief is becoming less and less.

Heaven is too long away, but we are okay.