2007

 This picture is framed in our bedroom. A 2007 ‘selfie’ (were selfies around then already?) taken shortly after we started dating. Jason was looking at it a while ago and said I miss those people. There are few in our lives now who knew these two people. I knew exactly what he meant. We’ve changed since that photo was taken 9 years ago (not talking about the addition of grey hairs and extra lbs–ha). The most change in us has happened in the past 14 months, since Mikail passed away. Our smiles are not as carefree–they are now almost plastered on…say cheese. Our eyes don’t smile with the same youthful joy and anticipation of what the future will hold for us.

2015

We forever have a sense of grief behind our eyes and our smiles. It’s really quite impossible to hide.

I miss those people too. The wonderful people we are getting to know in our new community will never know who we were or see the joy that we had before Mikail died. We are shells of who we were. Yet, once in a while we see glimpses of those people again and it’s good to know that somewhere within us, they remain.

I am also reminded that I didn’t know Jason for the first 33 years of his life and he didn’t know me for the first 30 years of my life. Much happened in the years before we met, that changed us. We both went through life altering situations that helped shape who we became and we fell in love with each other partially because of who we became through life’s challenges. We can only hope that where we feel only a shell is left now, God will fill in the missing pieces, and transform us into the people He wants us to be as we go through these new challenges before us.

Sometimes I want to run away…back to Grande Prairie, where our people knew us before tragedy struck. I want to run away and be with the people who knew Mikail and the family we once were. Sadly that won’t change anything and I have to trust that God will heal us and people here will get a small glimpse of the people we once were. I have to trust that God will continue to heal us and put that joy and true smiles back in our hearts and on our faces. He’s done so much already, so I know it’s coming…in time. He makes all things new.