Last June Jason had a simple day surgery where he was put under general anesthesia. It completely freaked me out. 6 months after losing Mikail it felt like Jason might not wake up from the surgery. That something would go drastically wrong. We’ve had a lot of statistically rare things happen to us in our lifetime and I think I was feeling a bit jaded. Jason wasn’t worried. If he didn’t wake up to be with me and Olivia, he would be in heaven with Mikail. Not too shabby either way, right?

Tomorrow I go in for a simple day surgery where I am going to be put under general anesthesia and I have that same feeling…that something will go drastically wrong…something that is statistically rare, because statistically rare things happen to us. The thing is, the hope of heaven has never been sweeter and I cannot wait to hold our boy again, yet I know that Mikail is safe and loved there. He knows no sorrow. He does not miss us. He is in complete perfect joy. A thousand days are the blink of an eye to him. A thousand days for us on earth are an eternity. If I would leave Jason and Olivia, I know that they would continue to be safe and loved, but more loss would be devastating–especially to our little spirited girl. I am not ready for that.

So, I go into the surgery tomorrow because we have a deep longing in our hearts to grow our family. Statistically it is impossible, but we trust that God has a plan to grow our family, stretch our hearts, and fill the empty bedrooms in this too large home we’ve been blessed with. We experienced a devastating loss this past October (another story for another time). We explored fostering to adopt earlier this year and are met with heartbreaking dead ends. We checked into private adoption or international adoption and we cannot afford it. There are a zillion and one things that have to go right for our family to grow biologically or through foster or adoption, but we know that God has put this on our hearts, so we take this next step of removing a uterine polyp that could hinder the healthy growth of a baby down the road.

Olivia has been adamant about needing another brother. She is stuck on a brother…not a big brother. I have one of those. We need a little brother. A baby brother. So, she prays for a baby brother every night.

I know there’s a lot of missing information in this post. I’m just not ready to share it yet. It’s one of those ponder in your heart journeys for now. Jason has been thanking God for growing our family for months now. He completely believes it will happen. My prayer has been a bit more guarded, but has changed to a prayer that Jesus prayed, in a different context, but with such words of truth: