Sometimes coming to peace with a decision made or not made is a long process. Sometimes you think you’ve finally arrived at that peace, only to find out that you re-visit it a few months later.

In the first year of grief, following Mikail’s death, the If only I had… played like a broken record in my mind. It’s not healthy. I remember our grief counselor assuring us that we did the best we could do at that given moment. There was nothing else we could have or should have done differently. Our doctor, the chief of staff, a pediatrician, the coroner–everyone said the very same thing. It was a lightening strike situation. I think a part of me believed that statement, but a part of me felt like saying You have to say that to make us feel better, I’m Mikail’s Mama!! It’s my responsibility!! I failed. Yet, over time that truth kept coming to the forefront of my mind and recently it was solidified again when I read the following by Barbara Johnson, combined with the knowledge and firm belief of God’s sovereignty: 

“In God’s economy you can’t go back and say, ‘I should have done this,’ ‘I should have done that,’ or ‘I didn’t do this right,’ because you did the best you could at the time that you did it. God knows your heart, and you can’t live in a state of regret or wishing you had done something different. There has to be closure to that.”