Lately I’ve been so impatient and angry.

I think it is anxiety and grief speaking.

It has to stop. Some may say that I should just embrace it and let it run its course, but this time I think it just needs to stop. Why?

Because yesterday in one of many moments of impatience and inner anger, Olivia told Jason: ‘Mommy’s angry because she misses Mikail sooooooo much.”

Break my heart.

My anger and impatience comes across in the delivery of my words. Not the words themselves, but the tone. Olivia, at the age of three gets this. I wish she wouldn’t, but she does. So, with tears flowing, I found her and told her I was so very sorry for sounding angry and that I would try to do better. Of course, as three year olds do, she forgave me in an instant and wrapped her sticky little arms around my neck and whispered ‘I love you, Mama.’

Today, as I was driving and it was complete silence in the vehicle, I tried to figure out where my anger is coming from. Who’s it really addressed to? I begged God to show me. And it became clear. I have never felt like I am angry at God, but perhaps the situation. Then it hit me…perhaps I am angry at God. Perhaps I’m hiding. Hiding from God because, somehow it feels like we are on this journey of grief, missing Mikail, because of something I did. What was the big ‘sin’ I committed that made God punish me by taking our son away with no warning and leave us in this pit of pain? What did I do to deserve this? What did we do? Why us? Then came the answer

Nothing. You did nothing. You are no different than anyone else, Iris. Everyone sins. Your sins were forgiven. My grace is sufficient for you. I am here for you, always.

So, here I’ve been hiding in shame because I must have done something to disappoint God enough for him to take our son from us. As for the why us? The answer to that came in the lyrics of Matthew West’s song Save a Place for me:

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here 

My dear Olivia, Mommy will work harder at finding her happy heart. Daddy and I are so blessed to have you in our lives.
And my dear Mikail, save a place for me…

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