I know I’ve been absent here and I know that I don’t owe the world an explanation, but I am the queen of disclaimers. Truly. So here I go, explaining and disclaiming:
I have missed writing here, but I didn’t want this to become the place where I complain and vent and turn bitter. I felt like the only option left to me was to write about how God feels so ever-present and giving me strength and how I am walking in faith. None of that would be true though. It’s been a really difficult six months for me. For us.
This Sunday, what I was feeling, was given words and I felt validated. Our situation has not changed, but this season we are going through? It happens. It happens to everyone. We all go through seasons of difficulty. In this particular season I am having a difficult time sensing God. Where is He when we need Him? (I know the answer to that, but in the darkness and the quiet of the night, we still ask it). I have lost a true perspective of myself and when we lose that our self image is low (so writing in a public forum like this? It’s scary). I’m exhausted. All the time. Mentally, physically, spiritually and none of this goes away with a good night’s rest. It just doesn’t.
And now, the Christmas season is here. Usually I am super excited about it, but this year I just want it to be over. All the things I love about it don’t seem possible this year because we don’t have a home of our own. Our belongings, six months after our move, are still in the moving trailer. Baking in a dingy basement isn’t fun. Decorating seems silly since the decorations are packed and we really don’t have space for it. Shopping for Christmas gifts is highly overwhelming. Trying to keep everyone happy is exhausting.
So, that’s me this Christmas season. We aren’t skipping out on Christmas, of course. I am taking the ‘suck it up buttercup’ motto. We got some decorations at the dollar store. We wrapped 24 Christmas Picture books to open each night in December. We found a small porch tree in our moving trailer and have decorated it. The chocolate advent calendars are out. The fisher-price nativity is out.
I am realizing that this Christmas I am facing some pretty big giants, but that doesn’t mean we skip out on Christmas. It is Jesus’ birth we are celebrating. He came to earth that Christmas, many years ago, so that he could walk on this earth with us. So that he could take all of our hurts and our pain–our Giants and take them on himself on that cross. Dying for US and raising from the dead again, so that we can have eternal life. How can we skip out on that gift? We can’t. It’s the ultimate gift.
So, ‘suck it up buttercup’, I am working on dealing with my giants. Perhaps I’ll find the brave to write about them a bit more this December. I know that I am not the only one who is having a rough time this Christmas and we have to band together to support each other in our joys and in our sorrows.